Complicated

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this last couple of months. I usually try not to feed my emotions since they tend to steer me away from the truth. This time it hasn't been so easy, I have been in somewhat of an identity crisis, and I just do not seem able to find any answers or solutions.
On the upside to my crisis; this is the first time in my life that I have felt my depression sneaking up on me and I have started praying and focusing on the Lord before sinking in to the abyss. I just do not know how to break this cycle. I have a couple of good days, but only because I work really hard and talk my self in to it. Then I have a lot of bad days. The bad days that when I think about th cause, I really have no right to have. I have a blessed life, healthy family and salvation. I just always have a cloud covering my sunshine.
I feel like I probably need to be in counseling and probably on some sort of anti-depressant, only problem is I can't afford either and I am afraid that someone would think I don't have a good enough faith in God because I wasn't trusting in Him for my healing, that I just need to fight the spiritual battle a little harder.
I know that sounds silly, because I do believe depression is a real "health" issue, I mean if I had diabetes no one would tell me my faith in God wasn't strong enough because I was taking insulin.
I guess the other reason would be because I would have that permanent label in my brain that I am "crazy", that I have to be on medication to be "normal".
I can hear Paul now "You are cranky, did you take your medicine?" Just like I can't be in a bad mood unless I am PMSing. Whatever!
My birthday is coming up and that is not helping my mindset either. I don't feel like I should be this old. Of course I don't feel like I am overweight either, until I look in the mirror.
I just want to be a kind, sweet, happy, reasonnable, level headed person!
Why can't I be???? I once heard someone say that the minute the received Christ into their lives they instantly had more love and kindness in their heart. Well why the heck did that not happen to me. I hate being angry and mean and irrational. Why after all the praying that I have done can't I change?